Head Games
by WP
Summary: WT set after buffy comes back. Tara isn't dealing well with what she remember's from her time as an insane person. Who can help?
1. Default Chapter

AN: Set just after S6 started, Buffy is back. It's a different kind of story for me to write, first person and I hope you can stand to read it. I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks.

**Head Games**

Part 1

She's been back for a week now. One week and it's all turned into the same old routine. We go to college during the day, drop by the magic box, deal with a demon or vamp then go back home. Buffy patrols and beats up the bad guy. Xander works from very early and comes by the magic box after work, makes jokes and keeps things light. Anya works all day at the magic box and enjoys counting the money at night, she's good with the demonic stuff too, she usually has some insider information. Dawnie goes to school, comes by the magic box where she does some homework and is then dragged off home to be looked after by all of us.

I think she has it the worst. She was the key, put into the Summer's family, our lives, by some ancient order of monks. Her whole life was made up and then she lost her mum. I know how horrible that feels. But then she had to deal with Glory coming after her and most of us getting hurt because of it.

Spike got tortured, Buffy got beat up, Giles got stabbed. Then there was the crazy people. The crazy me. Glory thought I was the key, that I was Dawn but she was wrong and took my sanity. And Buffy died. I hate her for that.

They were all a wreck after that. I tried so hard to be there for Willow and Dawn. They both tried to stay strong, especially Dawn but they would always let go around me and I'd have to hold them together.

I told Willow I didn't remember. I told her I had no idea what had happened after Glory hurt my hand, that I didn't remember the babbling and the fear and the monsters that I couldn't escape.

I remember it all. I remember the nights when I just wished the bugs would get out of my skin and the monster would stop talking at me. I remember Willow holding me and crying, telling me it would be ok when I knew it wouldn't. I remember her giving me those pills that meant I couldn't fight the things coming for me. There was never for a second any peace or comfort.

I didn't want her to have to cope with what had happened to me, she had enough pain trying to cope with what had happened to Buffy and the fear that she was in some hell dimension. So I just pretended it hadn't happened. I haven't ever truly slept since then. I can't let her know I have nightmares. So I cat nap. Someday's I think I'll just collapse and sleep for a week but I see her and how much she needs me and I just keep going, I push it to the side and take her hand.

But now, Buffy's back and the scooby gang is back in session. Willow's happy with herself for bringing Buffy home, we all are but its lead to something in me to change. I can't hide it as well anymore. It's just constantly in my head, all those things I seen and felt and believed, they're all there haunting me and she has no idea.

When she touches me, I feel those bugs again.

"Hey baby." She leans over and kisses me. I taste the putrid demon that would always wait until she left the room, till I was alone to come for me. "How was class?"

I stand up and move to the bookshelf pretending to be looking for something. "Fine. I-I'm going to head back home, I've got work to do."

She gives me her concerned look. "Well, I'll come with you."

I can't let her, I can't be around her. "No. No, you stay around for a while, you might be needed."

I grabbed my bag and was halfway out of the door before anyone even knew.

I saw it all again today as usual. She came in here as normal, sat down at the table and opened a book. I know when people are fake reading, I'm King of fake reading! it was a skill I picked up in high school and transferred to my scooby work.

She's been distant for a while now. But even before that I could see it in her. She's not coping with the post insanity thing and I don't blame her but Willow thinks she doesn't remember anything. I figured out a while back that it was a lie. But what do I do? I sure as hell can't say anything to Will and I don't know how to approach it with Tara. I don't know if its my place.

Then I look at Will with the 'what did I do' face and I know I'm going to have to talk to her, not just for Willow but for her too. She's cracking and I should be there for her.

I hate being alone in the house but I hate being around them more right now. I'm sitting in the small room between the living room and kitchen, I like it here, its quiet, the least used space in the entire house.

I can't believe how my life has turned out. I love her so much, when I think about it it's completely overwhelming because I never knew love could be this strong but I still can't be honest with her and it's making me separate myself from her. I'm just constantly being pulled in opposite directions.

Every time I close my eyes, I see exactly what I see when their open. It makes no difference to those images and feelings. I'm living in a waking nightmare. I don't know how much longer I can stand this.

Then he's here, in front of me and I know why. I know he's here to talk, to help because that's what he does. Xander's much more powerful and insightful than anyone will ever know.

"Hey."

I look at him for minute in the awkward silence then I get up and begin waking through the living room.

"I'm just on my way upstairs." I don't mean to say these things but I've been pretending so long I just keep doing it.

He followed me. "No, you're not cause we're going to talk. I know you don't want to but you have to, Tara, this isn't healthy."

I couldn't say a word as I stood and held his gaze.

"You remember, don't you?" He asked simply.

I nodded. "You can't tell her. It'll hurt her."

"And she isn't already being hurt?"

I frowned and he knew I didn't know what he meant.

"You're brushing her off and she can't work out why. Right now she's sitting in the magic box horrified that she's done something to upset you."

He's right.

"This isn't just about Willow though. This is about you. Tara, you've got to tell her for your own sake."

"I can't, Xander. It's so selfish! She was grieving and I can't just take that away from her!"

I'm getting worked up now and I can't hold it back because I've waited so long to be able to say this and of course its Xander that noticed.

His voice softened, "Do you trust her?"

"Yes." I answered immediately and without conscious thought.

"Then trust her enough to let her support you. You need to talk about it and she needs to hold you while you do." He sat down on the sofa and I followed his lead sitting next to him.

"Before I could pretend it wasn't real, that I just had a weird nightmare. But I didn't and when I tell her about it..." I couldn't even say it.

But of course, he already knew what I meant. "When you make it real, you can fight it. That's a good rule, both with personal and apocalyptic demons."

"I just wish the scooby gang could be the ones fighting these demons."

He reached over a took my hand. Xander is such a gentle guy, it's never hard to see why Willow was so in love with him.

"We can't take them out but we can be your back up. Whenever you need some, whenever your lost and Will isn't there: I will be. Dawn will be. Anya and Giles and Buffy will be."

I lost control of my tears at that point. He was right and that gave me more hope that I could ever contain, so now there was over spill. Normally I'd be fighting to pull myself together but when he pulled me into a safe embrace I let go. I sobbed and I clinged to him but I never felt weak or guilty about it.

Xander knows how to show you the obvious. He tells you how it is, looks past all the acting and cheating human's automatically do. He see's the truth. And I love him for that.


	2. Part 2

AN: Set just after S6 started, Buffy is back. It's a different kind of story for me to write, first person and I hope you can stand to read it. I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks.

**Head Games**

Part 2

We went back to the magic box after I had cried myself out. The gang were all there, researching by the looks of it. Will was half way across the room when she stopped and fidgeted awkwardly with her hands.

"Hey." She gave me that adorable little wave and managed to melt my heart. I didn't want her to hurt.

"Hey. Can we talk? In the training room?" I said as we had already begun our walk there. I could feel the others trying not to stare at us but wondering what was going on. I just had ignore them, i could only think about her just now.

I was slightly ahead of Willow and when I was in front of the horse I turned around to see Willow standing at the other end of the room looking at the floor.

"It's ok. Not that it's just ok but I understand if this is what you think is for the best. I want, I need you to be happy and if being away from me is what you need then I want you to know I won't fight you. I'll be upset and I'll cry but I've got my friends and... And it'd suck but you don't love me anymore and I -"

I could her off right there, as much as I am a fan of the Willow babbling, I don't want her to think what she's saying is at all true. I came to a stop directly in front of her, our toes touching.

"Don't ever say that. Why would you ever think that you don't mean everything to me?"

She looked up at me but only for an instant. "The way you've been... The way you react when I touch or kiss you. You're going to leave me, aren't you?"

"God no. Willow... I love you so much." I lift her head so she'll look me in the eye. "I love you. I know I've been distant lately but... there's stuff. Stuff I have to talk to you about, now before I back out." A tear rolls down her cheek. "And none of it is your fault. OK baby?"

She nods and then pulls me into a hug. I never want it to end. I bury my face into her neck and she strokes my hair. This is the most comfort I've had in so long.

Then it comes out without me even meaning it to. "I'm scared."

And I must have sounded it as Willow tightened her grip before pulling back and tucking my hair out of my face. "Tell me what's wrong." Her voice was soft.

I let my head fall and sighed. "We should sit down."

Once we were sitting on the sofa she stared at me expectantly. I felt like I should try and prepare her. "I don't want to hurt you but I know I have to tell you this. Just... please don't blame yourself, ok?"

She frowned but in that loving caring way. "Ok, just tell me what's bothering you."

I took a deep breath. "I told you I couldn't remember what happened after Glory brain sucked me... when I was insane but I do. I remember it all, Will."

She staring at me, not blinking or moving. I know what she's thinking. She's trying to comprehend the horror's that I would have saw. She's thinking about all those nonsensical things I hit out with during that time and she's making real to understand.

"Oh, no." She breathes. Her eyes are filling up as she puts her hand over her mouth.

I swallow hard to try and keep the huge lump in my throat down. "Will, please don't." I beg.

She seems to force her own emotions down and collect herself. She's holding my hands again.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged. "It wasn't important then. There was too much going on already."

"How can you think this isn't important? You must have been so..." She trailed off as she looked at me. "Don't you trust me?"

"I trust you with everything I am but it wasn't about trust. I just wanted to protect you."

"From the truth?"

"Yes! You'd lost Buffy and you were devastated, I didn't give you more to deal with." I argued.

"So you took it all on yourself? You didn't tell anyone? Not Xander or Giles? Even Anya?"

"No. I tried to ignore it, I just put it in the back of my mind because I knew I had to be strong for you. For everyone. But when we brought Buffy back, it changed. I can't just forget about it anymore, it's always there, I can see them waiting for me, watching me."

"Who are they?" Her voice is as soft, as loving as before.

I look at her and find I can't look away. Bright Eyes, I should call her that.

"This sounds insane... cause I was insane but bugs, hundreds of bugs and there's a m-monster. Nothing like the demons we've faced, he's worse, he's scarier. Will, I can't hide from them and every time I close my eyes, their there."

She held my face in her hands now. "They are not real. Your safe."

I couldn't help as I shook my head in disagreement. "They were real then. I could feel the bugs under my skin and the monster... It was real. Now, they're just waiting."

"Hey, Glory is gone now - forever. You'll never lose yourself like that again." she promised.

"But I might. They keep trying to drag me back there. I can't sleep anymore cause when I do, they try and get me and I can't fight them."

"Not alone but together? Will you let me help you?"

I want her to so much. I want to cower in her arms and let her defeat the things that haunt me.

"You can't. They're in here." I said as I pointed a finger to my head.

She took the hand I had pointed to my head and held it tightly in her own as she brought it to her chest. My hand was resting over her heart.

"You feel it?" she asked.

I nodded. Her heart beat so strong and steady, it always has.

She placed her hand over my heart too. "It beats just the same."

Then she put her hands on my waist and placed gentle kisses on my lips then each of my eyelids ending on my forehead. She lingered there for a moment and i savoured the closeness.

"I love everything about you. You're beautiful, inside and out. I've never known anyone so special and I've spent the last two years just... watching you. You're amazing. And with the magicks... we're more connected than any other couple. Your part of my soul and I'm a part of yours. That means I'm help you through this but you have to be the one to let me in."

Her words meant so much to me. And for the first time it was obvious that this wasn't about her or about me separately, it's about us. We're two people but completely connected and intertwined. I owe it to her to get better but also to let her be a part of that.

So, I took a step and done something I hadn't done in a long time. I kissed her, really kissed her. As my tongue wandered so did my hands and it wasn't long till she followed.

When we eventually left the training room, the rest of the scoobies were quick to give us there 'we so know what just went on' sniggers. I couldn't help as I blushed no doubt turning a deeper shade of scarlet.

"So, we're just researching this crazy looking demon I ran into last night but it's looking like a big ol' pile of nothing so you guys don't have to stay here." Buffy told us still failing to get rid of that glint in her eye.

Anya soon spoke up. "We weren't researching a demon, we were discussing your inappropriate but long over due sex in 'Buffy's room'."

"An, remember..." Xander sighed obviously giving up on training Anya to the ways of the world and how we don't tend to mention sex. "Forget it."

She shrugged and I actually laughed. It felt good. Not as good as the sex but hey, it was different.

Willow moved on from the subject. "If your sure you don't need us then I'm taking my girlfriend home."

Buffy smiled at us with that 'awww' look she so frequently gets at our romance. "Go home, we can handle this since there's nothing to actually handle."

Then we said our goodbye's and we left. Once we were home, I wasn't sure what Willow had in mind. Worse case was she wanted to talk. It'd been such a long day and emotionally draining to say the least.

She took my hand and lead me upstairs then we went to bed. She never said a word, neither did I but she knew exactly what I needed.

As I lay there with my head on her shoulder and her fingers tracing my arms and back she still understood.

"Close your eyes." She whispered.

I wanted to but I couldn't. I didn't want to see them again.

"Trust me. It's just me and you." She kissed my head. "Close your eyes and if your scared all you have to do is open them again and I'll be right here. I'll never let you go, baby."

I slept that entire night and when I woke up the next day, she was still there, still protecting me. And she always will be.


End file.
